No Ifs, Ands, or Butts by Caystar
by MeetTheMateContest
Summary: "Edward? Why is there a naked man on your couch?" This gives a whole new meaning to love at first sight.


**Title:** No Ifs, Ands, or Butts

 **Summary:** "Edward? Why is there a naked man on your couch?" This gives a whole new meaning to love at first sight.

 **Pairing:** Peter/Jasper (with Bella/Edward)

 **Rating:** M

 **Word Count:** 1309

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 **No Ifs, Ands, or Butts**

"Edward? Why is there a naked man on your couch?" It's not like I was complaining—the mystery guy had a great ass.

"You know Jasper, don't you?" Edward's voice floated up from the back of the house, and I tilted my head to examine the gorgeous specimen sleeping before me.

He was lying on his stomach, with his sleeping face turned toward me. I took a moment to study his features, surprised when I realized he did look slightly familiar. Soft brown hair fell over his forehead, flowing seamlessly into neatly trimmed sideburns. I had to reach down and shift my dick—I did have a thing for sideburns.

One arm hung down off the couch, and I noted with interest the ink on his shoulder. He was a good boy—loved his momma, based on the heart with the scroll.

My eyes traced the muscles of his shoulders, down his back; they tapered down to the most adorable ass I had ever seen. I tilted my head to look from a different angle, finally convinced that I didn't know this guy. I might not be great at remembering names and faces, but I never forgot an ass.

"Damn it, Peter, don't stand there and stare at him!" Edward hissed quietly as he reached for the throw at the end of the couch, draping it over the mystery guy's body. I actually whimpered when that delectable derriere was hidden from my view.

As I was pouting, I was being tugged into the kitchen by Edward's very firm grip on my arm. He pushed me into the chair and stepped in front of me. "No," he said, shaking his finger in my face like I was a damn wayward toddler. "Whatever you're thinking about Jasper, just… no. Don't go there. I don't need your drama fucking up my wedding."

How in the hell did my sister put up with this guy? Hells Bells doesn't know the meaning of the word no—I would love to see her reaction to this ultimatum.

"So who is this Jasper, and why is he naked on your couch? Didn't think you and my sister were all that kinky." My attempt to get a rise out of him backfired, and he sauntered around the table to sit down with a smirk.

"You have no idea what goes on in our bedroom," he stated in that haughty tone that always rankled my nerves. "Or our kitchen, for that matter. But to answer your question, Jasper was my roommate freshman year. He flew up from Texas yesterday, and he's staying with us until the wedding."

"Mmhm. And the naked part?"

Edward finally looked at least a little uncomfortable. "Well, we were playing poker last night, and he and Bella had a bit too much to drink. You know how she gets..."

Unfortunately I did know. I'd hauled her out of too many parties in high school half-dressed and drunk off her ass. I just thought she'd settled down a bit when she and Edward got serious. "So you just let your fiancée and your buddy get naked together? While you, what, knit a sweater or something?"

Poor Eddie looked horrified—his face was nearly as red as Bella's could get. "No! God, no! Nothing like that. Jasper's gay. He and Bella are just two of a kind when they start drinking, that's all. I managed to get her upstairs in time, and when I came down to check on Jasper he was already out. I covered him up, but he must have kicked the blanket off during the night."

I was nodding, though he'd lost my attention after announcing that Jasper did indeed swing my way. I was already planning how to get up close and comfortable with that beautiful piece of art he called an ass...

Before I could respond, I heard stumbling steps down the hallway. I knew she would have a killer headache based on the previous night, so I did what any good big brother would do.

Slipping out of my chair, I moved to the doorway. As soon as she was in arm's reach, I pounced. "Bells!" I shouted, scooping her up and kissing her cheek. I dimly heard a low groan from the next room, but it was drowned out by my sister's whine.

" _Peter!_ Put me down! I've got a giant fucking headache and I'm gonna puke on you." Figuring it was better to be safe than sorry, I set her on her feet and took a big step back. The evil little brat just cracked up laughing at me.

After watching Bella try to suck Edward's face off through his mouth, she turned and looked at me expectantly. "Well, are you taking me to breakfast, Petey?"

"Of course I am. Why the hell else would I be here at the ass-crack of dawn?" Dodging her slappy little hands, I headed to the front door only to get sidetracked by the once-again naked man on the couch.

His face was turned toward the couch, one knee hiked up further, putting his ass on display for me. I nearly growled at my sister when she swatted the closest cheek as she walked by. "Put some clothes on, Jas. We have company."

I couldn't take my eyes off the pink mark she left on that creamy skin, and I had to be pulled to the front door, nearly hitting the entry table in my distraction. Bella paused when we were outside, looking up at me in speculation. "You've got it bad, don't you?"

Over breakfast, Bella told me all about their temporary houseguest. Jasper, apparently, came to Seattle to sow his wild oats after high school. Once he had obtained his teaching degree, he moved back home to help take care of his grandmother and keep up the family farm. She had to wipe my chin when I started to drool at the thought of Jasper in boots and tight jeans.

Deciding I needed to change the subject before Bella caught on to my obsession, I asked about her favorite subject. "So, Bells, are you ready for tomorrow?"

People at the next table looked over at us when she groaned loudly. "Ugh, I'm so far over all this wedding shit. Alice is about to drive me up a wall. I'm _this_ close to changing out our plane tickets from Hawaii to Vegas and kidnapping Edward to make a run for it. I mean, who cares if the caterer doesn't have navy blue napkins to match the table arrangements? What the fuck is wrong with white napkins? And don't even get me started on the flower debacle…"

Bella's rant continued through the rest of breakfast and all through the car ride back to her place. I was going to drop her off and make a run for it, but I really needed to duck inside long enough to make use of their bathroom.

I couldn't decide if I was disappointed or relieved when we walked in to find the couch deserted. Shaking off those thoughts, I headed to the guest bath to do my business.

I had just finished up and was about to button my pants when the bathroom door burst open and I dropped my jeans to the ground in shock. "Oh! Shit, man, I'm sorry. The door wasn't locked. _But damn, that's one fine ass..._ "

It took us both a minute to realize he actually said that, and when I looked up and met his soft green eyes, the look of desire was unmistakable. I took a step toward him and my inner Bella came out. My pants were still pooled around my ankles, and I pitched forward straight into his unsuspecting arms.

"Hi there, I'm Peter Swan."

"Jasper Whitlock. Nice to meet you."

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